I never loved anyone the way I loved you, and it damn near broke me. There’s some kind of hole where that piece of myself I gave you used to be. I know I’m better off with her but sometimes, I miss her innocence.
So often I feel it easier to connect to my emotions and communicate through colors and sounds. I see myself and hear myself so much mor clearly in them. I experience so much more than I know there are words for.
At least when I do find the words… they anchor me… I suppose the beauty in this dynamic is there are times I don’t need or want to be anchored either.
I look back at the pictures and at first I see so much joy, longing piecing into each other… then just below that, waves and knots of pain, unraveling down deep into Marianas Trench… and somehow we found a point of connection down there too. Hearing each other’s echos… maybe that’s where we comforted each other most. Both hoping that we descended further to the core of the earth where maybe true, unconditional love was as pure as heat is organic there… Maybe that’s where we thought we’d meet. If we could just swim through the darkness more. But when I heard and you heard me were always at different levels. Ships passing in the night down there. I guess how could we have met we were broken differently, healing different wounds, swimming in different patterns with not enough tools to bring us to a point of common ground, empathy.
Something I know for sure though is that if we didn’t find the healthiest of love, there was love there. Twisted and gnarled and sad but it was. And that connection will never be forgotten. It lives.
Maybe one day, I’ll find someone to fall apart with.
54321. Go. Go go go go go. Do. Doing is good. Sustainability in the physical sense. Achieved.
Doing. Action. A performance.
I wonder… if a person is always performing, where does authenticity have room to grow? How does one perform and be genuine? If a person is always on… doesn’t it become a string of acts? A performance?
Acts of slowness. Solitude. Vulnerability and feeling. Just a ||. Does a person need time to confront the self, the one that is always going? Enough moments of not performing, and perhaps, a person can have the space – the energy – to be with their self. Say hello. Maybe enough of these moments can bring this other self closer to our doing selves so that in as many moments as possible, we are not just acting with intention, but wholesomely. Spiritually. Softly.
You saw it within me. Even admired it I think. But you didn’t how to hold it… and I didn’t know how to ask you to.
Sometimes… I wish we were still the “kids” there in that room.
Hearts bleed on to paper to echo memories. Like holograms they dance on the pages of my mind. Yet it seems a purposeful wind wists them away as ghosts again. I hope you’re doing well.
Been sipping on dreams and walking on broken glass
Been building wooden houses in my head just to burn them
Jumping from planet to planet in my own solar system
I didn’t realize I was laying stones all across the river to get across when the option to swim was always there. For a moment I ask myself “swim to where though? Do we ever really know?” But then I sense it doesn’t matter does it? Not as long as I go. I must go.