I never loved anyone the way I loved you, and it damn near broke me. There’s some kind of hole where that piece of myself I gave you used to be. I know I’m better off with her but sometimes, I miss her innocence.
So often I feel it easier to connect to my emotions and communicate through colors and sounds. I see myself and hear myself so much mor clearly in them. I experience so much more than I know there are words for.
At least when I do find the words… they anchor me… I suppose the beauty in this dynamic is there are times I don’t need or want to be anchored either.
I think for the first time, at 27, I’ve been encouraged to really feel my anger. Been told that it was okay. That there was beauty and lessons to behold within and from it.
Honestly, it’s a weird, fiery, but oh so elegantly beautiful chaos here. The first time I’m looking at the red sky of my own purgatory,. Rather than running from the monsters here, I’m just looking up, noticing the strokes of red and black. No longer feeling fear. Just feeling. It’s bizarre, somber. Not static, just… dark. and that’s okay. There’s a weird peace in facing it. Greeting it. Finally acknowledging. And now, writing this, looking at this beauty, realizing it won’t engulf me whole if I don’t want it to… I wonder why I’ve been running from it my whole life, why my parents ran from it there whole lives. What a tireless, endless, and false hoped-marathon that is. To not acknowledge true pain, curiosity, trauma, to allow ourselves to fear the rage that comes with tthat. That we’re allowed to have. That is so natural. WHy do we fear this side of our nature? I think with less resistance, and with respect instead, we won’t take the very actions we imagine would cause us more pain and regret from these raw emotions. OUr samsara, maya has such a way about it doesn’t it? Such a strong face and yet the most misleading and hollow. ANd people spend their whole lives running from that false representation and even build entire empires on that ground, a ground that was flagged wrong, filled with toxins and dumpster waste, radiation, killing us slowly. A land they thought was bountiful… but what if the most bountiful view, the one you most bountiful to you ,whatever that means, was actually somewhere different? had other things, ones that you decided personally brought you peace, and that was somewhere very different?
Every unturned rock within ourselves turned into a landmine for the other. we were trying to navigate through the explosions in real time. A hole within me became a bruising on you. A beating wound within you became scars on me.
Do you think… if we would have had more words then, it would be different now?
I gave you the most important thing of all. Why did you have to ask for more?
At 27, I’m finally learning… it’s never been about right or wrong.
I look back at the pictures and at first I see so much joy, longing piecing into each other… then just below that, waves and knots of pain, unraveling down deep into Marianas Trench… and somehow we found a point of connection down there too. Hearing each other’s echos… maybe that’s where we comforted each other most. Both hoping that we descended further to the core of the earth where maybe true, unconditional love was as pure as heat is organic there… Maybe that’s where we thought we’d meet. If we could just swim through the darkness more. But when I heard and you heard me were always at different levels. Ships passing in the night down there. I guess how could we have met we were broken differently, healing different wounds, swimming in different patterns with not enough tools to bring us to a point of common ground, empathy.
Something I know for sure though is that if we didn’t find the healthiest of love, there was love there. Twisted and gnarled and sad but it was. And that connection will never be forgotten. It lives.
You weren’t wrong about so many, so many, intricate important things that lay all around us & in Plain sight. I long to reach out to you, discuss how insane *they all are, and then I remember where you were wrong. And I sit back, feeling how it felt, to be made to think – that it was me.